


To Do Lists

by Ab3l



Category: Banana Bus Squad
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Coming Out, Getting Together, M/M, POV First Person, Romance, gasp an actual chapter story, hopefully, tevan is endgame, to do lists, tw: bullying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-30 11:53:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6422884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ab3l/pseuds/Ab3l
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To do List:<br/>•Come out to my friends<br/>•Confess to Tyler<br/>•Self wallow and eat a tub of ice cream✔</p><p>Well... At least I had one thing down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Oh is this an actual chapter story? Yes this is the beginning of one. I may not update frequently cause my aunt passed away, but I will try my hardest because I am honestly really proud of this. I have a feeling its gonna be like romantic comedy.

To do list:  
• Come out to my friends.  
• Confess to Tyler.  
• Self wallow and eat a bucket of Ice Cream✔

Well.. At least I had one of those down. I sigh and rub at my face, before I sat back against my chair. I was in the middle of editing a video from a few days ago, when my eyes had landed on the now three year old to do list. God had it really been that long? It felt like 2013 was just a day ago. I frowned and turned my attention back to the computer screen.  
I never had a 'first realization' of when I didn't just like women. I wasn't gay, because I still had an attraction to females, I just also had an attraction to males. I just never gave it a second thought. So when I told my mom, I was genuinely surprised that she had a shocked, almost taken back look on her face. I had just assumed that it was normal. She ended up telling my dad, which was alright in the end, because he accepted me. So I never had a problem with my parents on that aspect. (Although my mom does sometimes give me weird looks when I talk about a boy being attractive but she never says anything.)  
I never really felt that I was different until I hit high school. I used to get bullied for being bi. People who I thought were y friends assumed that I would start hitting on them and completely abandoned me. I was alone for the first time in a long time, and I felt terrified. So when we moved to Toronto, I made new friends and I never told them that I had feelings for boys too. I was too scared that they would abandon me like my other friends did back in Ontario.  
After that time period of my life, I just learned to hide it. People would abandon me if I didn't. Those were the words I always repeated in my head. When I started YouTube, I finally felt like I could be myself. Just playing games and markin friends. And that was when I met Tyler.  
Tyler was so unlike all the other people I had met over the years. He was so comfortable with himself, so confident. I looked up to him. I wanted to be more like him, I wanted to be able to jus be myself and goof around without fearing what others had to say. He was like a burning flame, burning so bright that sometimes it hurt. And yet I would still look for him, I would constantly be with him because he made me feel like I could shone, even if just for a little while. It was because of this, that I slowly started to fall in love with him. Despite the fact that we had never met, I just loved being with him, listening to his adorable accent along with his laugh. And god I loved making him laugh. When I finally realized that I was completely in love with him, I became terrified. I hadn't told any of my friends that I was bi. And I especially hadn't told Tyler. So I decided that I just wouldn't tell him. I could handle him not loving me back, I could handle never telling him I could handle him getting a girlfriend. But I wouldn't ever be able to handle Tyler never speaking to me again. Tyler completely leaving me. It would hurt too much.  
Eventually, when our little group got much bigger, I realized that there were other friends like me. Johnathan was bi as well, Marcel was pans, Brian and Brock were both gay. I felt like I could belong. But I.. I still hadn't told them. I had this irrational fear that they wouldn't accept me.  
And that was when I decided to make a To do list. I promised myself that by the end of this year, I would accomplish each and every one of those things. The number being only three, I figured the it couldn't be that hard, right?  
Boy was I so wrong. It turns out, I was a higher chicken then I first imagined. I haven't been able to muster up the courage to tell them. Or to confess to Tyler. The only thing I've done is self wallow in my own pity and eat a tub of ice cream every other day. And I've had that list for three years. Three, God damn years.  
I slammed my fist on the desk, making my plate and my pens rattle as I stood up. "That's it!" I yelled, determination in my voice. I marched to my cell phone that was charging in the corner of my bed, and picked it up. I opened it up and called the first number that popped up on my contact list, not looking at whose name it was. It didn't matter it was. I was going to do this no matter-  
"Hey Evan."  
I screamed and threw my phone to the wall making it break apart when I heard Tyler's voice.  
Tyler. Of all people I had to call Tyler?! I looked at my shattered phone in forlorn and wiped my hand up and down my face. "Great. Not only did I chicken out and not tell Tyler, but I broke my phone too." I mumbled, walking over to my phone. I bent down and picked up the sad broken phone, and sighed again. Dad was going to get pissed. I swallowed hard and out a brave face on as I went down the stairs, peeking into the living room. My dad was sitting in the recliner, watching a hockey game live. I shyly walked forward. "E- Erm... Dad?" He looked up from his game towards me. "What is it, Evan?" I swallowed hard, before coming right out with it. "I broke my phone against a wall."  
Dad rose an eyebrow at me, before shaking his head. "Put it in the kitchen, I'll get you a new one tomorrow." I blinked in surprise. "Wait.. What? Aren't you mad at me?"  
"Evan you break your phone at least once a month. I am very used to it by now. We have a warranty on it an everything. Now can I please get back to my hockey game?"


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Well I lied.

Until my dad got me a new phone, I had to settle for skyping my friends. I tapped my fingers on the desk as I waited for Craig and Brian to pick up. I finally decided who I was going to tell first, to try to avoid another mishap like the one a few hours ago. Craig answered first, and Brian shortly after. They and smiled. "Evan, Evan, Evanescense, how's it going?" I gave him a small smile. "I'm feeling good. How have you guys been?" Brian brushed his hair back. "I've been good. The crew is worried about you. Johnathan says you haven picked up his calls." Craig frowned a bit. "More so, Tyler's been worried about you." Surprise came over my face at that. Tyler was worried about me? "Why?"  
"He said that you called him and when he picked up you instantly hung up, and that when he called again, he would go straight to voicemail. Are you mad at him?" Brian asked, worry etched onto his face as well. I scratched the back of my neck and looked away. "Well... That's sort of what I wanted to talk to you guys about." I mumbled. They both glanced at each other on the screen, before sitting up straighter. "We're listening, birdy." Brian said, trying to comfort me. I cleared my throat. Two simple words was all I had to say. I'm bisexual. Easy. Simple. Clean. Okay now I'm just procrastinating. I took a deep breath, and hoped to god word vomit wouldn't come out. "I'm in love with Tyler!"  
Shit.  
I kept my eyes closed tight, refusing to look up at the screen as I mentally beat myself up. Two words brain! You only had to say two words! "Evan." I heard Craig call to me. I tensed for a bit, before I manned up and looked up to him. Both he and Brian had smirks on their faces. Wait, why were they smirking? "Evanescence, almost everyone in our group knows you love Tyler. Or have some sort of feelings for him. You're not very subtle about it." I felt my face burn up and my eyes went wide. Brian chuckled and shook his head. "Mini I think you broke him." He said, pointing at me. Those words replayed in my head. Everyone knew about it. Everyone knew about it.  
"Does Tyler know?!" I yelled frantically, panic rising in my chest. Craig and Brian's faces went to worry and they frowned. "No, calm down Evan." Craig responded, holding his hands out a bit. "He doesn't know." I felt all of my tension leave my body and I sighed in relief. "Please don't tell him." I said quietly, almost pleading to them. "Please. He can't know. Not yet." Brian sighed and looked at me with a sympathetic look. I had a feeling that he may know how I felt. He glanced at Craig for a moment, who wasn't paying attention, too focused on me to notice, before he looked back at me and nodded. I felt understanding hit me like a brick.  
Brian was in love too. I felt a gentle smile hit my face as Craig sat back. "Alright, I won't tell. But you've got to do something about how you act around him. Tyler is oblivious, yes, but if you really don't want him to know, then you need to fix how obvious you are." I looked down bashfully and nodded. "Okay." They both gave me encouraging thumbs up, and I ended the call.  
I sighed and sat back, putting my hand on my face for a moment, before I glanced at the to do list. I smirked a bit and grabbed a pen finally putting a check next to 'Coming out to my friends'. I glanced at the second one, and I frowned a bit. Coming out to my friend was easy, for the most part. I frowned a bit and glanced at the second part of the to do list. The most difficult part. Telling Tyler how I felt. I sighed and rubbed my face, begging the world to open up its mouth and swallow me whole. I was scared. I was more than scared, I was terrified, petrified, stupefied. By him. I laid my head against the counter a bit. The first thing I would have to do, however, was tell Tyler that no, I wasn't mad at him. I begrudgingly lifted my head up and scrolled down the list of people, before landing on him. I clicked the call button and waited for him to pick up. His face popped up on my screen. "Hey dude. What happened earlier?" He asked. I sighed a bit. "Sorry about that. My phone fell from my hand and into the sink." I said, obviously lying to cover up what happened earlier. Tyler's face showed relief and he laughed. "You clumsy dick, why didn't you tell me before? You made me worry about you." I laughed a bit and smiled,the tension leaving my body. "I'm sorry, I didn't think I mattered that much to you." I teased. Tyler rolled his eyes and pushed his glasses up. "Shut the fuck up, Evan." I grinned and laughed a bit, before I felt a small smile land on my face. This was the moment. I was relaxed, we were joking around. Maybe I really could tell him. "Hey, Tyler." I began. Tyler smiled at me giving me is full attention. "What is it, Evan?" I took a deep breath. "I'm-"  
"Hey Tyler, you in here?" I froze when I heard the voice of someone other than Tyler. He turned around. "Yeah Kelly, I'm in a call right now, can you come back I'm a bit?" The girl popped her head in. "Yeah sure babe. Hi Evan!" She said, waving. I gave her an awkward wave back and tried to unscramble my mind. "W- wait what?" Tyler's face flushed in embarrassment. "I was gonna tell you guys. I got a new girlfriend. She actually is a really big fan of everyone." He said laughing a bit. I felt my heart shatter to a million pieces as I forced myself to sound normal when I laughed along. "Hey dude, its no problem. Everyone is gonna get with someone at some time, just as long as she isn't one of those crazy fangirls that does nothing g but write about her nonexistent ships all day." There was silence for a bit after that as the fourth wall crumbled in the background. Evan rubbed his head. "I uh, I'll call you later." He ended the call abruptly, and brought his knees to his chest as he looked at the to do list again. Tears were bright to his eyes, and he grabbed the stupid piece of paper and crumbled it up, before angrily throw in it in the direction of the trashcan. He put his head in his arms, and let himself slump, utterly defeated.  
He was too late.

To Do List:  
• ???


	3. Chapter 3

I hadn't moved from my spot on my chair in almost an hour as I stared at the crumpled up piece of paper still on the floor. I couldn't bring myself to pick it up, or pick myself up for that matter. I rubbed at my face and sighed. Was I really just going to sit here and mope for the rest of the evening?

Oh who am I kidding, I was probably gonna sit here and mope for the rest of my life. I was too late, and I was paying for it. I sat back a bit and let my head hang, my eyes staring at nothing for a while. I stayed like that until I heard a calk come from my Skype. I sighed and sat up a bit, rubbing my face again to clean it up, before answer in the call. Joe sat on the other side of the screen, smiling.

"Hey Vanoss, you ready to play?" I blinked a bit, before hitting my hand against my head. "Shit, is it already 7?" Joe chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, Brock messaged me asking if he could join in." Evan nodded. "Yeah yeah, start the game up. I gotta set up my stuff, I'll be right there." Joe nodded, but before he could add Brock, he sighed.

"Are you okay?" I stopped in my tracks a bit before turning around and giving an elastic smile. "Of course I am, Deli! You don't have to worry." Joe frowned and gave me a suspicious look. "No you're not. You're never late when it comes to recording, and you never call me 'Deli' unless you're lying." I mentally cursed and let myself slump a bit. "I just.. I'll tell you about it later, okay?" Joe looked unconvinced for a moment before he nodded. "Okay."

* * *

 

The rest of the play through went by fairly easy, exchanging laughs and smiles. After all of it, I had began to feel better. We closed ho the game and I began cleaning up my stiff, when I heard Joe call out my name.

"Gonna tell me now?" I tensed a bit, before I sighed a bit. "Not gonna let it go, are you?" I asked gently. I turned around to face him, and gave him q pleading look. "Please. Please just let it go. I.. I can't talk about it." Joe crossed his arms. "Its not going to go away if you don't think about it. In fact, its going to end up worse. You and I both know it." I grumbled a bit, before plopping myself on my chair.

"What do you want to know, huh?" I said bitterness in my voice. "What, you want to know how today I found out Tyler has a girlfriend? And how it hit me like a train that I was too late? I almost told him I loved him. And now I can never tell him. Is that what you want to know? Do you want to know how torn apart I feel, and how every second I'm regretting not telling him sooner because if I had, we could have had something. We could have been something." I felt tears pool in my eyes as the words began spilling from my mouth. Oh great now I had word vomit. Joe's face shifted to pity and he opened his mouth to speak, before closing it for a moment. He stayed silent, thinking before he cleared his throat.

"Evan.. I know you feel pike its too late but its not. You can tell him, and risk the friendship you have or he could reciprocate. Every second of your life you're going to regret not saying anything, believe me.." He looked to the side and frowned. "You don't want that. The saddest word in the world is almost, so don't give me that. You have to tell him how you feel. You owe that to yourself and him." He gave me a small smile and reached out to end the call.

I stayed silent there, the tears rolling down my face as I thought about what he said. Did I want to live the rest of my life think in of why could have been? About all of the almost I had left behind? About the what ifs? I bit my lip and put my head in my hands. I wanted to do something. I wanted to so badly. But, even if I told him he still had a girlfriend. He was still with someone.

I felt my breath hiccup a bit, and I pulled at my hair. I had to take a moment to find myself. Here came a thought that was suddenly swarming, and I had to control it. I couldn't just lock it up. It would make things worse. I had to accept how bad it felt, and I had to bring myself back to earth. I took a little breath and closed my eyes. "Here comes a thought.. That might alarm me.." I sang gently. It always helped me calm down and take a step back. Once I felt better, I lifted my head up and brushed my tears away.

I looked at the to do list still on the floor, and stood up, walking towards it. I picked it up and straightened it out, looking at it with sad eyes, before I frowned with determination. No. I wasn't going to go down without fighting. I had made a promise to myself three years ago that I was going to fulfill the list down to the last of it, and I was tired of running away from my fears. I set the list down on my desk, and smiled with determination. I may have given up the last time, but not this time.

I yelped when my Skype call rang, and I looked at the name. Tyler?! Why was he calling me?! I answered the call, and smiled a bit when his face came on, my heart skipping a beat. "Hey dude, what time is it?" I blinked a bit, before I grinned.

"Its Gorod Time!"

Okay, maybe I'd do it later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Evan is my procrastination king.


	4. IV

I took a deep breath as I looked at the phone in my hands. It’s been a month since I’ve talked to my friends about this- about him. I closed my eyes and worried at my lip, before taking a deep breath. I scanned the room quietly, before landing on the paper I had stuck to the wall. The list stared at me, it’s presence only getting bigger and louder in my room as I continued to try to ignore it. The month had been hectic, with me moving out of my parent's house. I still lived in Toronto, but it felt like a big step for me. I took a deep breath and glanced back to the phone again. It was time to take another big step before it became too late again.

 

I unlocked my phone and called the person who had been plaguing my thoughts for 3 years. As it rang, my thoughts raced across my mind a mile a minute. I was nervous, scared, I couldn't think clearly. 

 

“Hello?”

 

My breath hitched and I swallowed around the lump in my throat. His voice still made my heart skip a beat, still made my skin get chills and a shudder goes down my spine. God what was I going to say, what was I going to say. A freight train hit me at that moment as I realized, I had nothing planned. I was going in blind, unprepared I was going to look stupid. I panicked and my breathing became faster.

 

“Evan, what’s wrong?” His voice made time stop, flung me back to earth and balance was restored. I placed a hand on my chest and grabbed my shirt, taking another deep breath. My eyes were closed shut, blocking away the rest of the world. Keeping me away from pain. Numbing my senses. 

 

_ No more. _

 

My eyes shot open, and I opened my mouth.

 

“How do you know when you love someone?” I asked. The lone on the other side was silent for a moment before I heard shifting. 

 

“Oh.. Well..” he began.

 

“I guess when you can barely sleep at night, and all you can think about is them. When you look at something arbitrary and think ‘Man they would love that’ or ‘this reminds me of them’. When any song you listen to suddenly becomes about your relationship with them. When you think of the future, and you only see it with them. When your chest tightens at the sound of their voice, when seeing them fills your stomach with butterflies.” He finished. He was confused, I could tell. The way his voice trailed off at the end, the way he paused every so often. The cogs in his mind were working as he tried to figure me out. I huffed gently at that thought, a small smile spread across my face. 

 

“Tyler,” I called out. My heart began beating faster against my rib cage and my palms began sweating. This was the build-up, the introduction of a new chapter. A new part of my life, a fork in the road. I could take the right, and lie. I could hang up and pretend none of this ever happened. I still had time. 

 

Or, I could take the left. I could take a stand for myself, be honest with myself and no one else. I could take the hard road, the tough one that involved being honest, being blunt and result in heartbreak. The paths were laid out for me, all that was left was just my decision.

 

“I think I’m in love, Tyler,” I said breathily. I had lit the flame at the end of a stick of dynamite, and time was ticking. Before he could reply, I spoke.

 

“When I’m with you, my heart beats so fast I feel like I’m going to faint. When I hear your voice, the heavens open up and I swear I hear choir bells ringing. When I think of you, my mind goes into overdrive. You are all I think about, all I ever want and need. When I think about you, my palms start sweating and for the first time in my life, I’m scared. Genuinely scared.” I took a breath and continued.

 

“You scare, the hell out of me. You make me want things I have never wanted before, you make me want to be someone I didn’t know I could become. You make me a better person, you make me happy, so goddamn happy and it fucking hurts to hear you be happy with someone else. But do you know what Tyler?” I paused, my hands shaking. My vision blurred without my consent as I waited for his reply. 

 

“Why?” He asked. His voice was a whisper, hoarse and raw with emotions I couldn’t recognize. It was then I realized that I sounded the same, raw, filled with fear and determination alike. 

 

“Because I realized that I am happy no matter who you’re with. Even if it isn’t me.” I took another breath. This was it. This was the end of the dynamite. This was the explosion.

 

“Because Tyler, I have loved you ever since I met you. I will continue loving you, no matter what.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey


End file.
